{"rowid": 5, "title": "Managing a Mind", "contents": "On 21 May 2013, I woke in a hospital bed feeling exhausted, disorientated and ashamed. The day before, I had tried to kill myself.\n\nIt\u2019s very hard to write about this and share it. It feels like I\u2019m opening up the deepest recesses of my soul and laying everything bare, but I think it\u2019s important we share this as a community. Since starting tentatively to write about my experience, I\u2019ve had many conversations about this: sharing with others; others sharing with me. I\u2019ve been surprised to discover how many people are suffering similarly, thinking that they\u2019re alone. They\u2019re not.\n\nDue to an insane schedule of teaching, writing, speaking, designing and just generally trying to keep up, I reached a point where my buffers completely overflowed. I was working so hard on so many things that I was struggling to maintain control. I was living life on fast-forward and my grasp on everything was slowly slipping.\n\nOn that day, I reached a low point \u2013 the lowest point of my life \u2013 and in that moment I could see only one way out. I surrendered. I can\u2019t really describe that moment. I\u2019m still grappling with it. All I know is that I couldn\u2019t take it any more and I gave up.\n\nI very nearly died.\n\nI\u2019m very fortunate to have survived. I was admitted to hospital, taken there unconscious in an ambulance. On waking, I felt overwhelmed with shame and overcome with remorse, but I was resolved to grasp the situation and address it. The experience has forced me to confront a great deal of issues in my life; it has also encouraged me to seek a deeper understanding of my situation and, in particular, the mechanics of the mind.\n\nThe relentless pace of change\n\nWe work in a fast-paced industry: few others, if any, confront the daily challenges we face. The landscape we work within is characterised by constant flux. It\u2019s changing and evolving at a rate we have never experienced before. Few industries reinvent themselves yearly, monthly, weekly\u2026 Ours is one of these industries. Technology accelerates at an alarming rate and keeping abreast of this change is challenging, to say the least.\n\nAs designers it can be difficult to maintain a knowledge bank that is relevant and fit for purpose. We\u2019re on a constant rollercoaster of endless learning, trying to maintain the pace as, daily, new ideas and innovations emerge \u2014 in some cases fundamentally changing our medium.\n\nUnder the pressure of client work or product design and development, it can be difficult to find the time to focus on learning the new skills we need to remain relevant and functionally competent. The result, all too often, is that the edges of our days have eroded. We no longer work nine to five; instead we work eight to six, and after the working day is over we regroup to spend our evenings learning. It\u2019s an unsustainable situation.\n\nFrom the workshop to the web\n\nAdded to this pressure to keep up, our work is now undertaken under a global gaze, conducted under an ever-present spotlight. Tools like Dribbble, Twitter and others, while incredibly powerful, have an unfortunate side effect, that of unfolding your ideas in public. This shift, from workshop to web, brings with it additional pressure.\n\nIn the past, the early stages of creativity took place within the relative safety of the workshop, an environment where one could take risks and gather feedback from a trusted few. We had space to make and space to break. No more. Our industry\u2019s focus (and society\u2019s focus) on sharing, leads us now to play out our decisions in public. This shift has changed us culturally, slowly but surely easing every aspect of our process \u2013 and lives \u2013 from private to public. This is at once liberating and debilitating.\n\nIf you\u2019re not careful, an addiction to followers, likes, retweets, page views and other forms of measurement can overwhelm you. When you release your work into the wild and all it\u2019s greeted with is silence, it can cripple you.\n\nReflecting on this, in an insightful article titled Derailed, Rogie King asks, \u201cCan social popularity take us off the course of growth and where we were intended to go?\u201d He makes a powerful point, that perhaps we might focus on what really matters, setting aside statistics. He concludes that to grow as practitioners we might be best served by seeking out critique through other avenues, away from the social spotlight.\n\nOn status anxiety and impostor syndrome\n\nFollowing my experience I embarked on a period of self-reflection. I wanted to discover what had driven me to take the course of action I had. I wanted to ensure it never happened again. I wanted to understand how the mind works and, in so doing, learn a little more about myself.\n\nI\u2019ve only begun this journey, but two things I discovered resonated with me: the twin pressures of status anxiety and impostor syndrome.\n\nIn his excellent book Status Anxiety, the philosopher Alain de Botton explores a growing concern with status anxiety, a worry about how others perceive us and how this shapes our relationship with the world. He states:\n\n\n\tWe all worry about what others think of us. We all long to succeed and fear failure. We all suffer \u2013 to a greater or lesser degree, usually privately and with embarrassment \u2013 from status anxiety. [\u2026] This is an almost universal anxiety that rarely gets mentioned directly: an anxiety about what others think of us; about whether we\u2019re judged a success or a failure, a winner or a loser.\n\n\nWe see these pressures played out and amplified in the social sphere we all inhabit. We are social animals and we cannot help but react to the landscape we live and work within. Even if your work receives the public praise you so secretly desire, you find yourself questioning this praise.\n\nA psychological phenomenon in which sufferers are unable to internalise their accomplishments, impostor syndrome is far more widespread than you\u2019d imagine. The author Leigh Buchanan describes it as \u201cA fear that one is not as smart or capable as others think.\u201d As she puts it, \u201cPeople who feel like frauds chalk up their accomplishments to external factors such as luck and timing, or worry they are coasting on charm and personality rather than on talent.\u201d\n\nAt the bottom, this was all I could see. I felt overwhelmed by others\u2019 perception of me. Was I a success or a failure? Would I be discovered as the fraud I\u2019d convinced myself that I was? These twin pressures \u2013 that I was unconscious of at the time \u2013 had lead me to a place of crippling self-doubt, questioning my very existence.\n\nThe act of discovery, of investigating how the mind functions, led me to a deeper understanding of myself. Developing an awareness of psychology and learning about conditions like status anxiety and impostor syndrome helped me to understand and recognise how my mind worked, enabling me to manage it more effectively.\n\n\n\nMake it count\n\nReflecting upon my experience, I began to regroup, to focus on what really mattered. I\u2019d taken on too much \u2014 as I believe many of us do. I was guilty of wanting to do all the things. I started to introduce pauses. Before blindly saying yes to everything, I forced myself to pause and ask: \u201cIs this important?\u201d\n\nOur community offers us huge benefits, but an always-on culture in which we\u2019re bombarded daily by opportunity places temptation in our paths. It\u2019s easy to get sucked in to a vortex of wanting to be a part of everything. It\u2019s important, however, to focus. As Simon Collison puts it:\n\n\n\tI cull and surrender topics. Then I focus on my strengths, mastering my core skills.\n\n\nWe only have so much time and we can only do so much. It\u2019s impossible, indeed futile, to try to do everything. Sometimes we need to step back a little and just enjoy life, enjoy others\u2019 achievements, without feeling the need to be actively involved ourselves.\n\nAs Mahatma Ghandi put it:\n\nA \u2018no\u2019 uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a \u2018yes\u2019 merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.\nYoung India, volume 9, 1927\n\n\nWe need to learn to say no a little more often. We need to focus on the work that matters. This, coupled with an understanding of the mind and how it works, can help us achieve a happier balance between work and life.\n\nDon\u2019t waste your time. You only have one life. Make it count.", "year": "2013", "author": "Christopher Murphy", "author_slug": "christophermurphy", "published": "2013-12-21T00:00:00+00:00", "url": "https://24ways.org/2013/managing-a-mind/", "topic": "process"}